full circle

Even in the quietness of the night, my mind continues to run through everything going on in my life. Did I forget an assignment that I need to finish? Do I have time to sleep in 15 more minutes tomorrow morning? How will I be able to get gas in my car tomorrow, the take is empty and I just don’t have time? Some are very nominal questions, while others could affect me for a great while. Why would some choose to tell me they see no benefit in being my friend? If I get comfortable with where I am at, what is it going to take to move me? Is it going to be as terrible as the last time? Is God really blessing my life this much? Why?

 It seems as though through this transition that with every God moment, Satan tries even harder to strip it back down and remind me of where I have come from. Now, I don’t mind remembering, that’s good for me; it’s almost as if he is trying to tear me back down again. I won’t let him though; I’m fighting this battle with everything that I’ve got. Satan tries to be so sneaky and tells me that I’m not worthy of the blessings in my life, but I have to rebuke that. He shoves mistakes in my face, like a crème pie, but I have to wipe it off, ignore him and move forward. Forward movement is deceiving sometimes. It can be great to move forward, but what direction are you going? Am I going in a circle? I’m back to where I once was, is this a time of a second chance? That’s how I like to look at it. I feel as though I’m living in my redemption moments. This is a time in my life where I get the chance to go back to a place that I once was, and I before, I screwed up royally. What will I do now?

 Here is what I do. I keep walking forward and maybe this time forward will lead me in the direction that I was intended to go in all along. Maybe God has something so amazing for me that He wasn’t willing to give it to someone else to do. He’s giving me another chance. I know that an office job doesn’t seem like much to most people, but this is huge, this is my chance to follow after God and fight through this opportunity. They always say that the best thing isn’t always the easiest. Who knows, this circle has been so amazing that I’ve made that I can’t help but be grateful for the crap that I’ve been through in order to be who I am. I wouldn’t trade these last two years for anything. Yes, they have been hard, emotional, but very worth it. Thank you Lord for giving me the strength to walk with you through my awful decisions of the past, and thank you even more for your grace and mercy in giving me a second chance. I already know that I’m moving in a different direction in my circle than I did last time. I’m making good decisions about friends, money, and I’m actually doing really well in school. Three big things, and all very different than I did it before.

Well, if you have read this far I’m pretty surprised; this is me sharing what’s on my heart. You might know what I’ve been through and you might not, but either way, keep your chin up and keep moving forward. God is good!

Natalie