I feel like most of our lives we’re searching for independence. It’s something that our country strives to protect and flaunts it everywhere we go. We’re the land of the free, we have independence day! Nothing wrong with either one of those things. I’ve been learning though about my independence and how it isn’t always about the streamers and BBQ.
I’ve come to this place where I feel like I am working to provide for myself, finding this independence financially, which is a really, really good thing. At the same time though, I see myself no longer crying out to God in ways that I have been in the past 6 months, and that’s no bueno.
I have found it really interesting working in a place where I’m around people day in and day out that need to see who Jesus is. It has been awhile since I’ve been in this scenario. Smiling to a customer or encouraging a co-worker has been some of how I’ve been able to be a light while working really hard. I’ve also found that in my striving to be everything that everyone around me needs, I keep emptying my cup without fully refilling it each day. I spend time with Jesus daily, but it isn’t as focused as I would like it to be, I’m usually on the go or rushing through it to check it off the list.
In finding my independence again, I’ve lost my dependence on God.
Just this morning, as I have a couple of days off. I’ve spent a few hours, reading the Word, writing down my thoughts, processing through relationships that I have, and listening. Some of my most refreshing times are when I’m gut level honest with Jesus and He is gut level honest with me. When I listen, he speaks. When I cry out, he answers. He has all the time in the world for me, I just need to make time for Him.
There has been such a pendulum swing in my life this year. So much learning, so much growing. Just when I think I find this groove of what life looks like, I see where I’ve failed in different areas. Focusing too much on one area, leaves the others to unravel. I’m constantly on this journey to be who God has created me to be, and I’m finding that those times where I see things unraveling is way shorter than it used to be. I’m still connected to the vine and He speaks to me. There is fruit in my life and I’m learning and growing. I don’t get as discouraged as I used to and I don’t let things unravel too far before God shows me what is going on. I’m finding that place of dependence in the midst of independence.
I’m learning to not let my life be a bunch of different areas that I have to keep tabs on, but rather that it is one holistic life that God tends to for me. No more compartmentalization. No more “I got this part God, you get that one,” but more of “here take all of my life and all of me to do what you desire.”
The Spirit of the Sovereign lord is upon me,for the lord has anointed meto bring good news to the poor.He has sent me to comfort the brokenheartedand to proclaim that captives will be releasedand prisoners will be freed.He has sent me to tell those who mournthat the time of the lord’s favor has come,and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.To all who mourn in Israelhe will give a crown of beauty for ashes,a joyous blessing instead of mourning,festive praise instead of despair.In their righteousness, they will be like great oaksthat the lord has planted for his own glory.They will rebuild the ancient ruins,repairing cities destroyed long ago.They will revive them,though they have been deserted for many generations.Isaiah 61:1-4